Indigo Luna

I Can See Clearly Now...

Over three months have passed since my last blog post. I keep thinking about writing and then feel at a total loss for what to say or how to succinctly explain all the incredible changes in my life in those intervening months. So much has happened that I feel like a different person or at least as though I am living on a different planet. Or maybe for the first time in a very long time, I feel like myself again - like I am comfortable in my skin and my life finally fits me in ways I wasn't sure were actually possible.

I recently got glasses for the first time. I've needed them for a long time - probably years now but as usual when it comes to taking care of myself, I procrastinated and denied. I thought that I was becoming nearsighted and that I probably just needed glasses for things like driving and watching movies. Turns out I'm not particularly nearsighted after all.

The girls came with me when I went to pick up my new glasses. When I put them on for the first time and looked at my daughters' gorgeous faces, they positively sparkled! They looked like someone had sprinkled them with fairy dust. All I could do was stare at them in amazement and say, "Wow! You are so beautiful and shiny!"

I had no idea that life was out of focus. All the amazing details have been getting lost in the blur. I put on my new glasses and everything just popped and sparkled. How could I have missed what the world really looks like?

A perspective shift is a lot like getting new glasses. Things that were out of focus even though they were right in front of you are suddenly clear and you just can't believe that you didn't notice them before. And once you see it clearly, it is impossible to go back to the old way of thinking.

For a very, very long time I deeply believed that I was just an unhappy person, a broken person who would never fit in. I hid so much of myself from the people around me out of fear of their disapproval and judgement. I felt guilty for the things I wanted. I felt angry for feeling guilty. I felt stuck and doomed to be miserable forever. I truly believed that everything was all my fault in my marriage and that my husband was justified in wanting me to be different than I am.

And then suddenly I woke up. I had the amazing thought that I didn't have to do this anymore. I didn't have to be unhappy or try to be who someone else thought I should be. These thoughts scared the Hell out of me but also gave me a strange kind of hope. But still I couldn't imagine a way to move forward.

In May, I went to see Cloud Cult in concert with my good friend Michelle and, like so many other countless times in my life, music saved me. I vividly remember standing in that room with the incredible music pounding through me, the cello crashing over me like waves, holding my hands over my heart and knowing - really knowing in my head and heart and bones - that no matter what happened, I would be OK. That epiphany stayed with me and gave me the strength to do what needed to be done.

I walked away from a relationship that has lasted close to half my life. I finally admitted that I would never be the person that my husband wanted me to be and that trying to pretend like I could was killing me. I realized that I am not a miserable and broken person. At least, I am not any more broken than anyone else. I deserve to be happy.

I am living on my own for the first time in my life. Everything in my space is exactly the way that I want it to be. I look around my apartment and I feel like I can finally take a deep breath. I feel hopeful for the future and excited about all the possibilities in front of me.

Divorce is incredibly hard and painful especially when you have children. Anger and resentments that have built up for years are suddenly boiling up to the surface. The process is frustrating and heartbreaking and overwhelming. I am going to do my best to only tell my part of the story. This blog is not a place where I want to air all the dirty laundry of my 18 year relationship to try and justify leaving or make myself look good. We all did the best we could and hopefully we will now have a chance to be really happy and live authentic lives without the need to hide or manipulate or blame.

I feel truly blessed to have this chance to live my life in the way that feels right for me. The Universe has provided me with so many amazing opportunities and with incredible people who truly love me and support me exactly the way I am. I have everything I need and I am constantly in awe of how I am provided for and taken care of. I thank the Goddess for my clarity of vision and for giving me the strength and willingness to be open to life and love and joy.

Patterns of Energy

I am a woman with many interests - some might say a ridiculous number of interests. Some of those interests become passions and continue to thread their way through my life for years. A few of those passions feel like a calling - something I was meant to do. When I find those things, it feels like coming home. I wonder how I lived this long without knowing it or practicing it.

Energy work calls to me. Even when I have my intellectual doubts about it or find myself resisting the practice, as soon as I am immersed in it, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. Even when I just talk to people about energy work I feel incredibly inspired and energized.

The work that calls us can also scare the Hell out of us though. Being a healer means being healed. It means being focused and grounded and opening up your heart. And scariest of all, it means you have to deal with your own shit so it doesn't get in the way. I cannot be a clear channel for Source if I have all this baggage blocking the doorway.

Yesterday I did four hours of Quantum Touch work at a local business. I'm friends with the owner and after telling her all about the workshop I took, she invited me to come to the shop and take walk-ins in order to accrue some of the practical hours I need to get certified. She set up the back room with candles and music and a chair for me to work. It was really a lovely space.

I went through my usual process around the event. It seemed like a great idea when I agreed to it and then as it got closer, I got more and more nervous and uncomfortable. I kept trying to think of ways to get out of it and reasons to cancel. I imagined it being incredibly awkward and strange or no one showing up at all. But I finally just bit the bullet and showed up.

As usual, the energy work was wonderful. I met some really amazing people and everyone was so enthusiastic and grateful for the work. Quantum Touch is incredibly powerful work. The breathing techniques raise the vibrational level of the energy and it's an incredible high. I love working on people and I am always totally buzzed afterwards.

My best friend and his girlfriend came by to see me and he asked me to work on him which surprised me. He has ADHD and usually can't sit still for 30 seconds. I actually put him to sleep! After his session was done, he laid down on the floor and fell sound asleep while I worked on his girlfriend. After he woke up, he said, "That was awesome! I want more of that!" He even left me a tip!

At the end of my day there, I felt incredibly grounded and relaxed and ready to sign up for another 4 hours. I promised to look at my calendar and schedule another date. But now I am in the part of my process where I start second guessing myself and nitpicking about all the things I did wrong. I have such a hard time trusting the experience and listening to my higher self.  All those little voices of doubt and resistance start picking at me and chipping away my confidence.

I have learned that the best thing to do is just do the work. Ignore the voices and do the work. When I do the work, I am home. I feel comfortable in my skin. The voices take a vacation. So, I am heading upstairs to work on my mother-in-law who is having knee surgery on Wednesday. It's all about the process.

Spring Fever

My Creativity Dominatrix, Madame Keystroke, is cracking her whip and I am trying to oblige her by posting something in my woefully ignored blogverse. I guess I am more of a top than a bottom because this whole being told what to do thing just makes me want to rebel. I mean, I've already been sitting in front of my computer for a good hour today and still had no particular intention of blogging. But she swears if I don't blog this weekend there will be wrath and who wants that? And when someone has known you for over 30 years, they know enough about you to make the wrath particularly squirm-inducing. So, blogging it is!

Spring is offering up her usual tease here in the Pacific Northwest. We get a few specacular days of sunshine and various plantlife bursting into blossom and everyone breaks out the shorts and flip flops and runs to the garden store. Why do we always seem to forget that it's going to rain until the end of June? The worst tease is sunshine during the work week and dreary greyness and rain on the weekend. Att his rate, the damned chicken coop we are supposed to be building will never get finished and the garden will continue to be a wildlife refuge for slugs and weeds until school is out.

You might think that being cooped up in the house would lead to indoor Spring cleaning. God knows my house could use it. Half finished projects have taken over every available surface and the mountains of clean but unfolded laundry just migrate around the house attracting various cats looking for a soft spot to curl up.

Instead, I am suffering from ovulationally induced insanity which only seems to be good for daydreaming, obsessively texting, checking my Facebook and email every 2 seconds, long bouts of existential introspection (which leads to more texting and long angst ridden emails written late at night to my luckily patient and tolerant BFF), and pornographic thoughts pretty much 24/7. I feel like a 16 year old - in other words, like my head is about to explode from constantly thinking about sex and the meaning of life. Some months hormones are just not your friend.

Let's just chalk it up to Spring Fever. A few days of sun after all the gloom and cold of an Oregon winter feels a lot like good drugs. We all OD on soaking up rays and the eye candy of all that exposed skin everywhere and now I'm suffering withdrawal. Waiting mode has begun. I am waiting for Summer, waiting for concert dates to arrive, waiting for my tattoo artist to call, waiting for this hormonal roller coaster ride to get past the loop-de-loops so I can reinstate my mental filters and get my laundry folded.

Getting My Geek On

OK, I am a bad, bad blogger. I freely admit that. I have no good excuses. I spend a ridiculous amount of time futzing about in front of the computer surfing Etsy for the perfect circus themed artwork or adding my favorite movies to my Facebook profile. But no blogging because that involves...creativity? Concrete thinking? Cleverness? Anyway, it involves something I seem to have forgotten how to readily tap into.

Luckily for you, my faithful readers (should I have any of those left after my long unexcusable hiatus from the blogverse), my oldest friend (as in the friend I have known the longest, not that she is old because that would make me old and dammit, I am NOT old) has agreed to be my Creativity Dominatrix - something I have known I needed for a long time. I work better under the whip (she whispered) of someone else's deadlines and expectations. Left up to my own devices, I would just spend all my time researching songs about science or looking for random people from my past on Facebook (digression: why do we have this weird compulsion to hunt down people we knew in middle school and ask them to be our friends in cyberspace?? It's kind of the virtual reality version of those "Do you like me? Check yes or no" notes don't you think?)

So, now that Madame Keystroke has donned her Creativity Dominatrix outfit (wow, just thinking about what kind of Google hits I am going to get with those keywords gets me all tingly!) which involves leather, glitter, and double holstered glue guns, I am going to try and stay one step ahead of the whip and post more regularly!

I was greatly amused recently, on so many levels, to discover that this photo of my family dressed up like zombies playing a zombie themed boardgame made the list of Boardgamegeek's Geekiest Images.

 

First of all, it's funny..well, because we are dressed up like zombies. Zombies are just amusing. Second, it's pretty funny that we are geeky enough to A) have a boardgame about zombies, B) take a photo of ourselves dressed as zombies playing said game, and C) submit the photo to Boardgamegeek. People who know me will also find it entertaining because I hate playing boardgames (OK, with the possible exception of Pandemic which is a co-op game where the players are trying to save the planet from a killer virus. I like that one for some reason). My husband is a boardgame fanatic. Mind you, we are talking about complicated, strategy-based Euro games and NOT Monopoly or Sorry or even Balderdash.  Maybe if I were actually a zombie, I would be less bored by these games. I doubt it.

I love my geeky family! We share a passion for zombie movies, vampires, graphic novels, Miyazaki, Robot Chicken, sci-fi and all kinds of other geeky things. Geekiness we have engaged in recently includes:

1. Went to see Watchmen for my birthday.
2. Had a geekgasm over the trailers for the new Star Trek movie (OMG!! Cannot wait!!!) and the new X-Men Origins Wolverine movie (I love Liev Schrieber!)
3. Maddy, Gabe and I bought and read all 7 volumes of the Marvel comic Runaways including the newest one which was written by Joss Whedon (who, in case you didn't know, is who we geeks call our God)
4. Actually got cable after a 4 year hiatus just so we could watch Dollhouse in real time (did I mention Joss is God?)
5. Are planning an anime/manga themed party for Maddy's 12th birthday next month

The geek shall inherit the Earth!!

Please Help Save Handmade Children's Items

As parents and concerned citizens I’m sure most of us at one time or another have been confronted with the question of lead poisoning. But have you asked yourself what your government is doing to protect your children from lead contained in toys? The answer? They're banning toys, taking books from schools and libraries, hurting low income families, killing entrepreneurial spirit and risking putting the economy in an even greater depression than we've seen in decades. I'd like to introduce you to their solution: the CPSIA.

Do you know about the CPSIA? No? Then I ask you to take a few minutes to find out about it.

The CPSIA stands for Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act, a new set of laws that will come into effect on 10 February, 2009 and will impact many, many people in a negative way. Make no mistake, this is very real. View it for yourself. If Forbes, the American Library Association and numerous other media are paying attention, perhaps you should too.

How will these new laws affect you? Well, here are a few examples:

To the Parents of Young Students:
Due to the new law, expect to see the cost of school supplies sky rocket. While those paper clips weren't originally intended for your student to use, they will need to be tested now that your 11-year-old needs them for his school project. This law applies to any and all school supplies (textbooks, pencils, crayons, paper, etc.) being used by children under 12.

To the Avid Reader:
Due to the new law, all children's books will be pulled from library and school shelves, as there is no exemption for them. That’s okay though, there's always television. Our children don’t need to learn the love of reading after all.
Article from the American Library Association http://www.wo.ala.org/districtdispatch/?p=1322

To the Lover of All Things Handmade:
Due to the new law, you will now be given a cotton ball and an instruction manual so you can make it yourself since that blanket you originally had your eye on for $50 will now cost you around $1,000 after it's passed testing. It won't even be the one-of-a-kind blanket you were hoping for. Items are destroyed in the testing process making one-of-a-kind items virtually impossible. So that gorgeous hand-knit hat you bought your child this past winter won’t be available next winter.

  This adorable hat from Sally1's Etsy shop would become illegal if not tested for lead, yes, lead, in the yarn and felt. 

And the same goes for this adorable handmade doll from Danielle's Etsy shop

To the Environmentalist:
Due to the new law, all items in non-compliance will now be dumped into our already overflowing landfills. Imagine not just products from the small business owners, but the Big Box Stores as well. You can't sell it so you must toss it. Or be potentially sued for selling it. You can't even give them away. If you are caught, it is still a violation.

To the Second-Hand Shopper:
Due to the new law, you will now need to spend $20 for that brand new pair of jeans for your 2-year old, rather than shop at the Goodwill for second hand. Many resale shops are eliminating children's items all together to avoid future lawsuits.

To the Entrepreneur:
Due to this new law, you will be forced to adhere to strict testing of your unique products or discontinue to make and/or sell them. Small businesses will be likely to be unable to afford the cost of testing and be forced to close up shop. Due to the current economic state, you'll have to hope for the best when it comes to finding a new job in Corporate America.

To the Antique Toy Collector:
Due to the new law, you'd better start buying now because it's all going to private collection and will no longer be available to purchase. “Because the new rules apply retroactively, toys and clothes already on the shelf will have to be thrown out if they aren't certified as safe.” http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123189645948879745.html

To the American Economy:
Already struggling under an economy that hasn’t been this weak in decades, the American economy will be hit harder with the inevitable loss of jobs and revenues from suppliers, small businesses and consumers. The required testing is far too costly and restrictive for small businesses or individuals to undertake.

To the Worldwide Economy:
Due to this new law, many foreign manufacturers have already pulled out of the US market. You can imagine the impact of this on their businesses.

If you think this is exaggerating, here is a recent article from Forbes
http://www.forbes.com/2009/01/16/cpsia-safety-toys-oped-cx_wo_0116olson.html

And for those of you prepared to be stupefied and boggled, The New Law
http://www.cpsc.gov/about/cpsia/cpsia.html

Did you know? If this upsets or alarms you, please react. This ridiculously restrictive law will make it impossible for most people who make children's items to continue doing so without either paying exoribtant fees or operating illegally in the hopes that this law will continue to be as unenforceable as it sounds. I don't want to pay to have my obviously lead-free items tested for lead and I don't want to have to fly under the radar hoping I won't get made an example of. Please help us make some more noise so congress will sit up and take notice.

Solstice and Snow and Kittens, Oh My!

Happy Solstice! The light is now returning. Last night was the longest night of the year and now each day will get a little bit lighter. In our family, we celebrate Solstice by letting the kids open up one present each day during the week and lighting candles each night.

This year the best present of all was our two new kittens! The girls named them Zen and Sushi. They are complete terrors - racing around the house, climbing the Christmas trees, and getting into absolutely everything.  When they get separated from each other they mew and mew until they find each other again. Silly kittens! They chase each around until they finally collapse into a sleepy little pile of fuzzy warmth. Kittens are definitely the cutest thing on the planet.

   

I've never had black kittens before and it is extremely difficult to take a decent picture of them. They just absorb all the light. They are like little shadows with claws. This also makes them easy to accidently sit on or step on and hard to find when they are hiding.

Where's Zen?

 

 

Winter graced us with unusual weather this week. We've had snow and ice pretty much every day for a week now. We live so far down in the valley that we very rarely see snow especially not this early in the year.  This is the only time we have ever had snow for Solstice. This morning we woke up to everything glittering with a coating of ice. The whole world is crunchy and shiny.

 

       

Good thing I don't have anything more pressing to do than sit in front of the fire and possibly make some orange cranberry bread later.  I just hope it's cleared up by Tuesday so we can drive down to Eugene.  I'm getting my tattoo colored Tuesday afternoon!! Oh, and having Christmas with my family, too.

Merry Solstice! Stay warm and snuggly and look forward to lighter days.

Waiting on the Color

I just want to stare at my foot all the time now. My third tattoo is outlined and healing. Let me just say, when people tell you the top of your foot is a really painful place to get a tattoo, they are not joking. Wow. Talk about intense. Of my three tattoos, this was definitely the most consistently painful. At the end when the artist was inking the details like the lines in the middle of all the leaves, Rowan stood there laughing at the horrible faces I was making and snapping pictures. Nice.

Wendi did an amazing job. The tattoo looks just like Meredith's drawing. It's incredible! The linework is so fine and detailed. It looks like a vintage botanical print.  We were thinking about trying to finish the whole tattoo in one sitting  but the outline took three hours so the color will have to wait until we go down there for Christmas.

   

Mt foot was swollen for days. I had to go buy two new pairs of shoes to wear to work that wouldn't press on the ink.  Now, a little over a week after it was inked, it is healing nicely although still scruffy and peeling. I can't wait to see it with the color done! I love it madly!

 

I told my mother we were going to get matching tattoos for her birthday in January. She didn't seem totally averse to the idea. I am thinking about Forget Me Not flowers.  Just have to decide on a design and where to put it.  So much ink to plan for and only a limited amount of canvas!

Keith Olberman Speaks Out in Support of Gay Marriage

In the wake of being thrilled that Obama was elected president, I was appalled and saddened to see the anti-gay marriage bills passing in three different states. I cannot believe that California would vote to ban gay marriage.  I could rant about the idiocy and unfairness of Prop 8 for pages but I think Keith Olberman said everything I wanted to say on MSNBC:

President Obama!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!! I just had to type that to see how it felt. It totally rocks!!  Maybe there is hope for this country yet. :)

Dreaming of New Ink

Tattoos are addicitive.  Anyone who has one will tell you that.  I love daydreaming about new ink. I love surfing the web for ideas and images. I love seeing other people's tattoos. I love planning the next tat.

I have wanted to get a tattoo representing my daughters for a while now.  I planned an ankle bracelet of Rowan berries and Indigo flowers.  I asked the incredibly talented fantasy artist Meredith Dillman to design it for me and she just sent me her finished design.  I am so pleased and excited!!  The Rowan berries on the bottom with go ont he top of my foot with the vines wrapping around my ankle and ending with the Indigo swirl on the front of my leg.

  

Luckily the wonderful tattoo artist who did my triquetra tattoo just sent me a coupon for 20% off my next ink!  Woo-hoo! I can't wait!