I Can See Clearly Now...

Over three months have passed since my last blog post. I keep thinking about writing and then feel at a total loss for what to say or how to succinctly explain all the incredible changes in my life in those intervening months. So much has happened that I feel like a different person or at least as though I am living on a different planet. Or maybe for the first time in a very long time, I feel like myself again - like I am comfortable in my skin and my life finally fits me in ways I wasn't sure were actually possible.

I recently got glasses for the first time. I've needed them for a long time - probably years now but as usual when it comes to taking care of myself, I procrastinated and denied. I thought that I was becoming nearsighted and that I probably just needed glasses for things like driving and watching movies. Turns out I'm not particularly nearsighted after all.

The girls came with me when I went to pick up my new glasses. When I put them on for the first time and looked at my daughters' gorgeous faces, they positively sparkled! They looked like someone had sprinkled them with fairy dust. All I could do was stare at them in amazement and say, "Wow! You are so beautiful and shiny!"

I had no idea that life was out of focus. All the amazing details have been getting lost in the blur. I put on my new glasses and everything just popped and sparkled. How could I have missed what the world really looks like?

A perspective shift is a lot like getting new glasses. Things that were out of focus even though they were right in front of you are suddenly clear and you just can't believe that you didn't notice them before. And once you see it clearly, it is impossible to go back to the old way of thinking.

For a very, very long time I deeply believed that I was just an unhappy person, a broken person who would never fit in. I hid so much of myself from the people around me out of fear of their disapproval and judgement. I felt guilty for the things I wanted. I felt angry for feeling guilty. I felt stuck and doomed to be miserable forever. I truly believed that everything was all my fault in my marriage and that my husband was justified in wanting me to be different than I am.

And then suddenly I woke up. I had the amazing thought that I didn't have to do this anymore. I didn't have to be unhappy or try to be who someone else thought I should be. These thoughts scared the Hell out of me but also gave me a strange kind of hope. But still I couldn't imagine a way to move forward.

In May, I went to see Cloud Cult in concert with my good friend Michelle and, like so many other countless times in my life, music saved me. I vividly remember standing in that room with the incredible music pounding through me, the cello crashing over me like waves, holding my hands over my heart and knowing - really knowing in my head and heart and bones - that no matter what happened, I would be OK. That epiphany stayed with me and gave me the strength to do what needed to be done.

I walked away from a relationship that has lasted close to half my life. I finally admitted that I would never be the person that my husband wanted me to be and that trying to pretend like I could was killing me. I realized that I am not a miserable and broken person. At least, I am not any more broken than anyone else. I deserve to be happy.

I am living on my own for the first time in my life. Everything in my space is exactly the way that I want it to be. I look around my apartment and I feel like I can finally take a deep breath. I feel hopeful for the future and excited about all the possibilities in front of me.

Divorce is incredibly hard and painful especially when you have children. Anger and resentments that have built up for years are suddenly boiling up to the surface. The process is frustrating and heartbreaking and overwhelming. I am going to do my best to only tell my part of the story. This blog is not a place where I want to air all the dirty laundry of my 18 year relationship to try and justify leaving or make myself look good. We all did the best we could and hopefully we will now have a chance to be really happy and live authentic lives without the need to hide or manipulate or blame.

I feel truly blessed to have this chance to live my life in the way that feels right for me. The Universe has provided me with so many amazing opportunities and with incredible people who truly love me and support me exactly the way I am. I have everything I need and I am constantly in awe of how I am provided for and taken care of. I thank the Goddess for my clarity of vision and for giving me the strength and willingness to be open to life and love and joy.

Comments

[Bridget]

Welcome back sweet girl!

[Mim]

Glad to have you back! I missed your insightful posts. Maybe they weren't insightful to you but I always enjoyed them and they made me think. This one really makes me think!

((hugs)) So happy that you had the strength to rescue yourself so you could be yourself!

[Femtastic]

yay, you're back! Whee!

Except that I think that means I have to post to my blog now. Curses...

[dharma]

Welcome back! Missed your blogging!

When we have such life altering changes come in to our lives it can be both invigorating and challenging. Yet all the while it will also take you to new places and valid experiences!! I wish you all the best on your new journey & look forward to hearing about them.

[Kelly]

Hi,
I noticed you are listed as a friend of Ullja Kuntze, on We Love Etsy, etsylove.ning.com/profile/ulljas

You may want to research her online activities and decide if you REALLY want to associate your name with hers. She was kicked off of etsy AND artfire.

You can start by googling Ullja Fraud, and also find lots of background information at ulljas.com . She's not a nice character. :-(

Kelly